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Monday, October 24th, 2005
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haha i'm glad that you fuckers are hunky doory.
i'll scream blood red.
as it drip drips of my shaking limbs.
and when i fall.... i'll fall deep deep down this fucking hole.
cuz i'm looking over the edge and i'm about to go.
fuck you. cunt.
fuck the four letter word spilling out of your mouth.
fuck everything you ever said.
hahahahahaha fuck fuck fuck.
dmit.
one blow, one kiss, one smack, one scratch, one burn, one embrace i beg.
oh fuck me i beg.
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Thursday, September 1st, 2005
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Things are going better. Tonight I'm going to the castle with Brittany and Ricky should be fun ya ya. Thanks to all my friends that were supportive about the whole break up. Everyone was a big help.
And to whoever wrote in my last post. I feel sorry for you. You don't know me. what a loss for you, but you are right. Maybe I shouldn't have had sex with my xgf in the beg. of the relationship I had with Kristy. What I do is my own biz so butt out of mine plz. And it shows that you are a pussy ass bitch for not voicing your opinions of me verbally so at least I could have a chance to defend myself. Although maybe you are scared of a little girl like me.
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Tuesday, August 30th, 2005
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Ya.. I'm single now. Kristy told me she was 18.. but naw. she's 16. In my next relationship I will ask for three forms of id just to make sure they say they are who they are. Joy for me.
Can you say obsessed? Calling me nonstop can't stand it. Makes me want to scream.
Sacred grounds was a blast last night. I was way to hyper though, mainly cuz I didn't want anyone to know I was upset about the whole Kristy thing.. but I'm ok. really.
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Wednesday, August 24th, 2005
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I don't sleep anymore. Shocker?
Kristy and I keep fighting. That's no good for me.
Quiting drinking is hard. harder than I expected.
What's a girl to do?
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Sunday, August 14th, 2005
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Parties every single night..
It gets out of hand without someone there to make sure you act in line. Last night was brutal. But I wouldn't change anything. I drank alot.. took some energy pills and was up all night. just bouncin party to party.
I got in a fight with this huge guy. He was hitting on me.. he's into SnM (sub) and saw I was into that stuff and got the wrong idea about me no matter how much I told him I was a lesbian. It just didn't register to him. Soo I kicked his ass.. problem is he lives right next to me. We were both really trashed.. so maybe he will be civil when he is sober. His roomates are cool though. I ended up punching the brick wall out side the apartment to the first party. Busted up my knuckles.. it went all down hill from there.
The part of me that wants pain so much gave in last night. I fucked myself up. Beautiful lines of red all over my carcass. I didn't sleep last night.
I wouldn't change any of this for the world.
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Wednesday, August 10th, 2005
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Hey all! Just a recent update!. I'm 18 now legal! haha. And I'm moved into my apartment sooo it's all good.
If you are ever in the area off of fowler (good side of town) you must call (813)4318574. Stop by!
Kris
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Tuesday, August 2nd, 2005
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I rollerbladed over to Fran's place today. I was bored and I felt like some company. I ate grapes and mango crackers. It was fun.
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Guys.. I started my book.
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Ok I guess I will finally now update on how things have been. They've been well. I'm dating someone new her name is Kristy. She's really amazing, we have so much in common like we say the same things, do the same, and think the same things.
Marcos from sacred grounds is going to slap the shit out of me. I made a promise to him I would stay single for a long while. I'm still single.. I don't know for how long though. It's just so crazzy, because what I wanted was to date around and be single. You know? And I didn't want to find someone really I didn't. And I found someone who is so awesome.
A part of me really wants to stay single, but a bigger part wants to be with Kristy for as long as I can keep myself with her. I don't know I'm crazzy.
I've always known I was horrible in relationships. Someone will find that they like me and they get lost in me. It has it's ups and downs.
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Yet again. my brother has everyone over and everyone gets trashed. I have to freaking work tomrrow and everyone is being loud as fuck. But no. Now I'm up freaking 2 in the morning and I have to play baby sitter and call out of work tomrrow. Jesus christ.
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Thursday, July 21st, 2005
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I can't wait to get out of brandon area. I hate it so much.
My apartment will be so much better for me. I'll live with my two best friends, the one's that care the most about me. And I'll finally be away from my brother.
There I finally said it. I'll be away from my brother who even though I love him unconditionally I can not stand him right now. I don't think I'll be able to have that quote on quote brother sister relationship ever again.
Maybe I did embarass myself last night. I don't care. I said what I felt and knew in my head and I wasn't about to be walked all over again.
How can he call me his sister?
One word of advice watch out he's a pathological liar. He lies to make himself look better. He changes personalities to fit the people he is with and he works only to his advantage. He is full of himself right now and brags to everyone about his 'new' change in life. I'm sick and tired of it.
I thought this change would be good for him. Well I guess I thought wrong, because this just proves how he can not handle adult life. Not yet, not now.
I've never yelled at anyone like I yelled at my brother last night. And I am still ashamed that I did, yelling is not the answer to get anyone to make a decision.
Besides that, I have exactly 20 days untill I leave this house and 19 days untill I turn 18. I seriously can't wait.
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Sg was awesome tonight. I talked to a lot of cool people. Hung out with some nice friends. And things are finally going good with Ricky again. I'm happy for that. I love that boy to death.
Things are going well all around. I'm glad for that.
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Going to the hooka tonight. Should be fun. Hope for it to be fun.
I don't know what to do. I'm just so confused.
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| Time: | 1:18 am. |
| Mood: |  sick. |
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Weighing down on my chest. I just broke an angel's heart. Wish I could have been a different person.. or maybe at a different time. I just feel so empty. I am a piece of shit. I did this. I tore her apart.
I just want to be normal. Do what feels right.
And nothing with me feels right.
I'm not right and that makes me a horrible person by wasting my self on you. You may not think it of me, but I think it and that's all that matters. You can't change my opinon of who I think I am.
Don't feel I used you or that I faked who I was trying to be. I just changed in a blink and I have to figure myself out again.
The tears following down on my face.. I deserve these tears. Everything in me says it. I just wish it could have been different.
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Saturday, July 16th, 2005
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| Time: | 7:34 pm. |
| Mood: |  cheerful. |
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It's okay now. Everything's pretty much okay I guess. I've seen Bri every day pretty much. We are like a married couple it's cute. I like it.
We are going to SG tonight with a couple of friends. It should be fun.
I'm going to have the house to myself this upcoming week... i'm not sure what to do with it. a small party might be in order.. but i throw parties practically every day of the week. so it's whatever.
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Thursday, July 14th, 2005
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LAST NIGHT. Bri spent the night at my house. Last night was good up until about 3 in the morning. Everyone knows I drink a lot. so we drank. She's a real light weight I already knew that. I drank more than I should have gradually thought the night. We started drinking at like 130.
But at 3 we were in my room she was supposed to cuddle with me until I fell asleep. But instead she ..
She scared the shit out of me.
I barley even know how to explain this.
I had sex with her twice that probably caused it. I tore her/broke her cherry. I'm not sure. But there was blood on my hands.
Ya. and she began to say things that upset me. "I scared I am going to cheat on you. that sort of stuff". She started to thrash against my hold. And I held her tighter as it got progressively worse. I just held her.
Then I told her to get away from me. She had hurt me. She hit me so hard so many times. And she fell off the bed. We were both crying really bad by this time. And I got down off the bed and held her a little bit more. Then I got myself on the bed and she was hitting the bed.
She had gotten pissed off. And she went to my brothers room smoked a cigg.
so I got more to drink. like a half glass of vodka. And went in there lit up a cigg. And I was drinking right in front of her. She knew I had had enough. She tried to take it away from me. I wouldn't let her. She was still really pissed off. After that I just went in my room and passed out. I don't remember anything beyond there.
This morning all she does is apologize. It hurts really bad not what she did to my body, but the pain I feel because of what happened. I continue to say that it is okay. And she knows I'm lying. I know I'm lying. It's not okay. It couldn't be okay. I have a bruise on my leg it's big. My whole body is sore. I'm sooo glad I don't mark easily.
But ya. That was my night. And I don't really know how to think about it.
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Dang I can't believe how late it is. I've been up for only 4 hrs and that just seems weird for me. I don't like sleeping the day away. Well... maybe depends on who I am sleeping next to.
Last night Ricky, Bri, and I went to the grounds. We stayed till closing time and it was almost like before. But I guess I can say it was better than before. Lina I wish you could have stayed later, once the people started to leave it got a lot quieter so much better.
I'm really having to watch what I am eating lately. Not for weight problems, but for health. Last night I had such bad acid reflux. I started shaking and every 5 mins I had to go to the bathroom and spit up a shit load of acid. I wanted to make myself throw up... but that would have only made it worse. I really need to see a doctor about it. I felt so embarrassed cuz everyone was worrying about me. I hate the attention.
Last night was awesome. Bri and I got to her place and we just spent alone time for hours. No one in the world was there to bother us. And we took full advantage of it.
haha.
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-So I'm sleeping like a baby one early morning right. My phone rings. I pick it up say hello with a scratchy sleepy voice. And I hear on the line her scratchy sleepy voice. Babe it's time to get up to go to work she says.
-She gets me up every morning. It's a great way to start off the day.
-It's the little things like when I'm naping at her place she cuddles with me well after I fall asleep and she eases out of bed and pulls the covers over me so I wont get cold.
-She knows what I think and feel.
-This one time I was over at her house again. And I threw this odd mood. And she just held on tight untill it passed. I started to hyperventalate and all she did was hold me as my shaking ceased. It was what I needed.
-She thinks our relationship is based on sex.
-I'll admit. In the begining it was, but things change and it's not now. Why would I lie?
-I never thought I would ever deserve a girl who actually treated me how a girlfriend should. I still don't believe it.
She's to perfect for me and I'm just happy being with her... even though she'll see sooner or later that I'm just a waste of her breath. Hopefully I am lieing there.
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I'm over at Bri's right now.
I've been throwing alot of mood swings lately. It's odd I haven't ever acted like this... I'm worried, but I don't know specifically what about.
I'm one of Irish's kids. That makes me feel soooo specail. Irish is one of the women from sacred grounds.
Well I'm off. I'm taking Bri to dinner.
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I have some chores to do today. Spending quality time with my mother. How wonderful.
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lonleyswimmer's journal
drunk.